“I don’t remember saying that to you” I do.
I’ve grown to accept I may never get an apology from people who have commented negatively about me, not because they don’t feel guilty but because they can’t even remember what they said.
I created a list on my notes app back in 2020 labelled “Things I’ve been told that live rent free in my mind”, there I quoted people whose words had cut me so deeply that I still remember them years after the fact. The sting of their words still linger and sometimes it angers me that they will never know the impact their words had on me let alone remembering they said it in the first place.
“You’re selfish” — {redacted}
“What if that person isn’t a good person anymore?” — {redacted}
“Ah you fat fuck” — {redacted}
“I don’t remember saying that to you.” But I do
This dynamic isn’t just about human emotions — it’s tied to a phenomenon called unethical amnesia. Studies suggest that when people act unkindly, their brains protect their self-image by erasing or diminishing those memories over time. Meanwhile, the recipients of those actions remember them vividly, the words echoing as evidence of pain inflicted.
This discrepancy explains why the person who hurt you might genuinely forget, while you cannot. Their mind sanitizes their guilt to maintain a sense of moral integrity, while yours latches onto the injury, an evolutionary mechanism meant to guard against future harm.
It’s a cruel irony: their mind shields them from guilt, while ours anchors us to pain. The disparity isn’t just frustrating — it’s isolating. But understanding this dynamic offers perspective. You hold onto the hurt, not out of weakness, but because your brain values the lessons of discomfort.
It’s maddening to realize that the weight you carry is invisible to the person who placed it there. Their mind erases the evidence, absolving them of guilt, while you remain a curator of painful artifacts. This doesn’t make you weak, though — it makes you human. Holding onto these memories can feel like guarding wounds, but understanding the psychology behind it can empower you to release what no longer serves you. Not to forget, but to remember that healing is a choice, even when accountability from others isn’t forthcoming.
(Messsage from Karyee — “I deleted the list.”) xx
