I need someone, and a stranger is as good as any right?
Dear, whoever cares,
I feel fragile, perhaps the weakest I’ve ever been. A few days ago, I looked over at my desk and saw the array of medications meant to keep me alive. It struck me as almost darkly ironic — these tiny capsules were supposed to pull me from the brink, yet if I took too many, they’d push me over the edge. It’s a fine line between life and oblivion, and I feel like I’m teetering on that edge every day.
I think about the people I call my friends, those I love, those I would drop everything for. But they have their own lives, and I wonder if I can truly blame them for not checking in. Would they pick up if I called? If I vanished for months, would they come looking? Would they go to the same lengths for me that I would for them? The painful, likely truth is, probably not. How loud do I have to scream before anyone hears me, before I’m entirely submerged?
I can’t keep doing this. I’m sad all the time, angry all the time, empty all the time. I wear a safety pin necklace every day, a silent promise to myself not to harm or end it all. But does that promise even matter anymore? I already feel dead inside, so would it really make a difference if my body followed?
I can’t stop crying. I feel so weak, so unbearably weak. I’m trying every day, pushing through the pain, and all I hear is try harder. How much harder can I try before there’s nothing left of me to give?
i can’t even begin
to describe how
i’m feeling right now
but all i can say is that
it hurts a lot
So if you’re someone I know, or even a complete stranger reading this, understand that I’m one of many who are drowning right now. I want to feel okay, I truly do, but every day feels like I’m sinking further beneath the surface. I’m struggling to stay afloat, fighting a current that only seems to get stronger. It’s not that I don’t want to swim; it’s that the water is pulling me under faster than I can keep up. And I’m so tired of trying.
Yours,
Karyee.
