“Two hearts still beating, on with different rhythms”
I’ve always known dating after high school would be difficult, but I didn’t anticipate the pain that would soon follow. For six straight years, you are exposed to the same people every day, and inevitably love will walk in. It doesn't matter if it was unrequited or not, it still walked in. When I graduated high school, I felt free, but freedom came without the structure I so desperately clung to for twelve years of my life. I found it oddly unsettling finding my friends in healthy relationships, wondering, if perhaps, there was a hat trick to it.
Dating apps loomed in the recesses of my mind but I never pressed download. Instagram, however, made more frequent appearances. The notion of ‘sliding’ into someone’s DM’s sent beads of sweat down my neck but it never occurred to me being on the receiving end of that notion. Throwing caution to the wind, came my first talking stage. It felt like being a deer caught in headlights. When an emotion has taken a leave of absence for two years, lovesick idiocy walks in and jumps into the deep part of the water instead of easing into it like you’re supposed to.
Did I fall for you too fast?
I of course had no interest in an e-dating relationship, which brings me to the next question.
Were you disappointed when you met me?
I guess, that would be the first question I would ask if we ever crossed paths again, given that my fight or flight response would react accordingly. Or maybe the appropriate question would be “How are you?.”
When one jumps in, it’s assumed the other will follow. Unfortunately, not all are that lucky. The reality I faced, the conclusion I came to, was that I simply liked you more than you did me. I cannot and will not resent you for that but days to go by when I wonder how you’re doing. Days go by when I want to tell you something that happened. If we ever cross paths again, maybe I could find out.
I want to stress that you were not an experience I regret but one I look back on fondly. However, I do find myself wondering,
Was it something about me that you found lacking?
Did the reality of me not live up to the image you had built in your mind?
These questions linger like autumn leaves caught in the wind, forever stirring up old insecurities. Although I haven’t made art in some time, I felt like a painter spending hours creating picture-perfect images, only for the colour to bleed, distorting the image beyond repair.
Although I have many questions for you taking up storage in my mind I have others that were for me. Did I fall for you so quickly because I hadn’t felt this way in years? Was I too determined to make you the love of my life because I feared I was running out of time? Was I worried about not meeting some preordained timeline for finding love?
There are 8.1 billion people in the world, all beating to different rhythms, playing their own symphonies to a myriad of experiences and emotions. Some align in perfect harmony, while others clash in discord. And sometimes, they harmonize beautifully for a brief moment before parting ways.
So close, yet so far.
I’ll remain forever grateful for every heart I encounter, fleeting or lasting, each is an experience I will welcome with open arms.
In the course of our existence, we all eventually find that eternal harmony and when I do I’ll find it in every lifetime.
