“Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it” — George Santayana
As I’ve grown older, my view of romantic love has shifted. Once a dazzling ideal, love now feels like a luxury — something elusive and fragile, perhaps even unattainable. When my first relationship ended, it felt as if this luxury was ripped away, leaving me standing on unsteady ground.
Yet, from that heartbreak, I’ve made mental notes — rules for myself — to carry forward into future relationships.
1) Leave the paranoia in the past.
Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship, and without it, love cannot thrive. If paranoia or insecurity clouds your mind, it’s a sign to pause and reflect. Is your mistrust rooted in past wounds or current red flags?
For instance, in my first relationship, I often found myself spiralling into unfounded fears about my partner’s loyalty. Looking back, I realise my distrust stemmed more from personal insecurities than their behaviour. But I also learned that when mistrust becomes the norm, it slowly erodes the bond, creating cracks that no amount of affection can fix.
If trust is absent, you face two possibilities: you’re sabotaging the relationship with your own doubts, or your partner’s actions genuinely warrant suspicion. In the first case, healing yourself is essential before stepping into a partnership. In the second, their unfaithfulness isn’t your failure — it’s a red flag urging you to walk away.
“If they were the right person, would you still be paranoid?”
As I move forward, I remind myself of this: dodge the bullet entirely instead of wearing a bulletproof vest. Trying to protect yourself while staying in a mistrustful relationship only prolongs the pain. If someone is right for you, trust will flow naturally. If not, no amount of vigilance can fix what’s broken.
2) Your partner should complement your life, not complete it.
One thing I learned the hard way in my first relationship is that no one can magically “complete” you, no matter how romantic it sounds. A relationship isn’t about finding someone to fill your gaps; it’s about being two whole people who make each other’s lives better.
Back then, I thought leaning on my partner for constant reassurance was normal. But when things ended, I felt completely lost because I’d tied my sense of self to them. That’s a dangerous game — if they leave, what’s left of you?
A good partner adds to your life — they don’t define it. Picture it like two independent travellers walking side by side. You both have your own paths but choose to share the journey. That’s how it should feel: supportive, not suffocating.
3) I will not settle for comfortable.
In my first relationship, I mistook comfort for compatibility. It’s easy to stay in something just because it feels familiar, but familiarity isn’t the same as fulfilment. When a relationship feels “safe,” it’s easy for both partners to stop trying. You stop dressing up for dates, stop surprising each other, and stop putting in the effort that makes love feel alive. Comfort can turn into complacency, and that’s where passion starts to wither.
It’s important to keep chasing them, even if you’ve already “caught” them. Flirt with them. Show up for them. Make them feel desired, loved, and chosen — every single day. Relationships thrive when both partners stay curious about each other, refusing to let comfort dull the spark.
Relationships should challenge you in the best way — helping you grow, dream bigger, and step out of your comfort zone. Settling for “good enough” is like wearing shoes a size too small; sure, they work, but they’ll never feel right.
4) They are your partner, not your therapist.
It’s natural to lean on your partner when life gets tough — they’re meant to be your support system. But there’s a fine line between leaning on them and using them as your therapist. Expecting them to carry all your emotional baggage isn’t fair, and it can create an imbalance that suffocates the relationship.
When one person leans too heavily on their partner for emotional support, it can weigh on both parties in ways that aren’t always obvious. It’s hard to see someone you care about struggling, but it’s equally hard to carry their burdens when you’re not equipped to handle them. Over time, their pain can feel like yours, and resentment can creep in — not because you don’t care, but because the emotional load becomes overwhelming.
Your partner should be your teammate, not your emotional dumping ground. Therapy exists for a reason, and so does healthy communication. Share your struggles, but don’t make them the sole caretaker of your mental well-being.
5) I make an effort to better myself every day, I expect the same from my partner.
A healthy relationship thrives when both individuals are committed to growth — not just as a couple, but individually. If one person is consistently striving to improve themselves while the other remains stagnant, it creates an imbalance. Relationships aren’t about dragging someone to meet you where you are; they’re about walking side by side, both moving forward.
This doesn’t mean perfection is expected, but effort is essential. Whether it’s emotional maturity, career aspirations, or personal health, growth should be a shared priority. It’s not about competition, but about partnership — lifting each other up and holding each other accountable.
6) Communicate your needs (humans are remarkable but not mindreaders)
It’s easy to assume your partner knows what you need in a moment of distress or joy, but the truth is, they might not have a clue. No one is taught how to be in a relationship, we learn from the shows we watch, books we read and “love” we’re shown from our parents. There is no, nor will there ever be a “how to be in a relationship 101”, because we’re all different. Expecting someone to intuit your thoughts or emotions is a surefire way to breed frustration. Relationships thrive on clarity and openness — so speak the fuck up!
Expressing your needs doesn’t make you demanding or needy; it makes you human. Think of it as giving your partner a map rather than leaving them to wander blindly. Whether it’s about emotional support, personal space, or how you prefer to celebrate milestones, communication is key.
My heart feels most alive when someone not only hears my needs but takes the time to truly understand and honour them. There’s something profoundly moving about being seen and valued in that way — like they’re holding your heart with care, not because they have to, but because they genuinely want to.
Misunderstandings often arise not because someone doesn’t care, but because they’re not psychic. Sharing your needs creates opportunities for understanding, and when both partners feel heard, the relationship deepens. Be vocal, be specific, and remember: a well-articulated need is a bridge, not a burden.
7) I will not love “less” in order to be loved properly.
Love should never feel like a compromise on its intensity or authenticity. If someone asks you to love “less” for the sake of the relationship, that’s not love — it’s control. You shouldn’t have to hold back or shrink parts of yourself in order to receive the love you deserve. The right person will appreciate the full capacity of your heart, never making you feel as though you need to dim your love to make room for theirs.
I love loudly, and if that makes you uncomfortable, then you’re not the one for me.
